Funny Gags

 A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those Headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist… The husband raised an eyebrow, skepticism etched in his features. “A hypnotist? Are you sure that’s safe?” he questioned, concern lacing his voice. His wife, however, seemed unfazed by his doubt. “It was perfectly safe, dear,” she reassured him, a smile gracing her lips. “Dr. Thompson is a professional, and he helped me understand that my headaches were linked to stress and tension.” The husband nodded slowly, still unsure but willing to trust his wife’s judgment. “Well, if it worked for you, then I’m glad,” he conceded, reaching out to gently squeeze her hand. Over the following weeks, the couple noticed a remarkable change in the wife’s demeanor. Not only were her headaches gone, but she seemed more relaxed, happier even. It was as if a weight had b...

 A MATHEMATICIAN FOUND OUT THAT A PIPE WAS LEAKING, SO HE CALLED A PLUMBER THE PLUMBER CHANGED A GASKET AND ASKED FOR $100.  BUT HOW IS IT POSSIBLE? YOUVE BEEN WORKING FOR ONLY 10 MINUTES AND IT TAKES ME FULL WJEEK TO EARN $100″,. The mathematician stared at the plumber in disbelief as he pondered the incongruity of the situation. How could it be possible for someone to earn $100 in just ten minutes when it took him a whole week to do the same? The question gnawed at him, triggering a cascade of calculations and conjectures in his mind. But before he could voice his concerns, the plumber spoke up, his voice tinged with amusement. “You see, sir, it’s not about the time spent on the job, but rather the expertise and efficiency with which it’s done,” he explained, a wry smile playing on his lips. The mathematician’s brow furrowed as he mulled over the plumber’s words. It was a perspective he had never considered before, one that challenged his preconceived notions about the v...

 A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ Little Larry says: ‘lyrics wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest. The teacher chuckled softly at Little Larry’s ambitious aspirations, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “That’s quite the plan, Larry,” she remarked, her tone gentle yet encouraging. “But why do you want to be a fighter pilot?” Larry’s face lit up with excitement as he launched into an animated explanation. “I want to soar through the skies, feel the rush of adrenaline as I maneuver through the clouds,” he exclaimed, his words tumbling out in a rush of enthusiasm. “And being a billionaire would mean I could live life to the fullest, experiencing all the luxuries the world has to offer.” The teacher nodded, impressed by the clarity and passion in Larry’s response. “It’s important to have big dreams and goals, Larry,”  she said, her voice warm with ...

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs… what are their names?” The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.” The man responds with a chuckle, “Ah, I see you’re a fan of timepieces!” The blonde nods, a playful glint in her eyes. “Yes, I am! And just like their namesakes, Timex and Rolex are always by my side, keeping me on schedule and reminding me to cherish every moment.” Impressed by her wit, the man strikes up a conversation with the blonde as they continue walking their respective paths. He learns that she is a dog lover and enjoys spending her free time exploring the great outdoors with her furry companions. As they chat, the man discovers that the blonde is not just a dog owner, but also a passionate advocate for animal welfare. She volunteers at local shelters, organizes fundraising events, and even fosters dogs in need of temporary homes.  

The bacillus living in the ear, with a sense of pride, exclaimed, “I have the most fascinating job! I get to experience the world through sound. From the gentle whispers of wind to the joyful laughter of children, I hear it all. My domain is filled with the symphony of life!”  The bacillus residing in the belly button chuckled and replied, “That may be true, but you only hear what’s happening outside. I, on the other hand, am at the center of it all. I feel the rhythm of every heartbeat, the ebb and flow of digestion, and the comforting warmth of the body’s embrace. My domain is the very core of existence!” Not to be outdone, the bacillus from the vagina chimed in confidently, “While both of you have important roles, I am the gateway to creation itself. I witness the miracle of life and the pleasures of intimacy. From birth to reproduction, my domain is where the essence of life begins and ends.”

  Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. “Why are you crying?” the father asked. “Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure “What are you so happy about?” he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, “There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

  A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don't stop.”

  Unfortunately the bus got cancelled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection. The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…” The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 foot from a department store shop window. For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver… … For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse!”

  There is a procedure practiced among Christians called confession, which is done to forgive sins.   It is said that there was a young man who said to his friend that he had committed a lot of sins, now I wanted to go to church and forgive my sins, so he went with his friend. While starting the confession, the priest asked the young man: Well, was Rita among the girls you befriended?  The young man asked: Who is Rita? The priest said: That is the daughter of David who lives in such and such a street. The young man said no, sir, she was not.   So what was Martha?  The young man said, "Who is Martha?" The priest said: She is the daughter of Joseph, who has a berry tree in his house. The young man refused.   So you have been friends with Rosie? Who has a green gatehouse? The young man again refused. The priest asked three or four more questions in the same way, the young man kept refusing and then apologized to the priest and left sayin...

One day, the husband came home from work and found his wife standing in the kitchen, staring at a piece of paper on the wall. He asked, "What's going on? Did the fridge finally write you a love letter?" She replied, "No, it's a note from the universe. It says, 'Your husband is a joke, and so is your marriage.'" The husband chuckled and said, "Well, at least we're in this together! But wait, how did the universe get our address?" The wife shrugged and said, "I guess it was a cosmic accident. But honestly, I'm not surprised. I mean, have you seen our Netflix recommendations? 'Because you watched "The Office" for the 12th time...'". The husband laughed and said, "Fair point! But hey, at least our marriage is still a comedy hit! We're like the dynamic duo of dysfunction!" The wife rolled her eyes and said, "More like the dynamic duo of denial. But hey, as long as we're laughing, right...